I feel like I am fumbling a bit. I am in a state of in betweenness as far as work goes. I desire to make a living as an artist yet it seems so daunting at times. I have days when I go into my art room and nothing turns out. The only thing I leave behind in the art room is a tornado of scraps paint, and sweat. But no substance. I started this whole flower shop gig and as fun and interesting as it is, I don't know if it is really going to amount to earning real money. I hate hate hate to be a worrier in the financial sense but it is reality. And as much as my right brain wants to enjoy living an artful life and ignore the dollar signs, it is not responsible to do so. My left brain is saying "HEY you! Remember me! I am your common sense and I want to help you!"
There has to be a way to balance this. I am considering teaching again this coming fall to get rid of some school loans and to possibly purchase a new vehicle since mine is showing signs of illness. It would be an 8-4 gig at an elementary school. This is not ideal as I know I wouldn't have the artistic freedom I have right now and I would be exhausted and kind of cranky at the end of the day. This is simply what millions of Americans do though. They work at a job they don't necessarily love to pay the bills. With the state of the economy in some areas, many people would die to have the chance at a full time teaching job. Turning my nose up at this kind of opportunity probably sounds rediculous to most of you who read this!
The truth: I want to trust that the path I am on is where I'm supposed to be. I want to trust that the uncertain feeling is just part of being stuck in between where I was and where I'm going. I want to trust that there is a reason that I was drawn to the flower shop. I want to trust that there was a reason I quit teaching in the first place. I want to trust in my creativity, my soul, my dreams. I need to. But maybe I can still trust and teach at the same time.
We all want to trust that the path God has put us on is exactly where we need to be. I believe this is true. But the lingering doubt in the back of my mind is enough to make me question it. I have to remind myself that this is okay because it is part of the journey. There are things I need to learn and I may need to just sit in this uneasiness for a while. I may submit my application for the teaching job and just see what happens. If I am supposed to work there then I will be hired. If there are other plans for me, then I will just wait and see what that is.
I already feel better writing this down here. Thanks so much for listening to me. Oh and I was nervous to show a picture of this little collage I made (above) with watercolors and scraps one morning. But there is something I like about it and thought I would share. Please excuse the shadow that is cast upon it! I did a quick and dirty photo shoot and this is what I ended up with.