Tuesday, June 2, 2009

fumbling and reality


I feel like I am fumbling a bit. I am in a state of in betweenness as far as work goes. I desire to make a living as an artist yet it seems so daunting at times. I have days when I go into my art room and nothing turns out. The only thing I leave behind in the art room is a tornado of scraps paint, and sweat. But no substance. I started this whole flower shop gig and as fun and interesting as it is, I don't know if it is really going to amount to earning real money. I hate hate hate to be a worrier in the financial sense but it is reality. And as much as my right brain wants to enjoy living an artful life and ignore the dollar signs, it is not responsible to do so. My left brain is saying "HEY you! Remember me! I am your common sense and I want to help you!" 

There has to be a way to balance this. I am considering teaching again this coming fall to get rid of some school loans and to possibly purchase a new vehicle since mine is showing signs of illness. It would be an 8-4 gig at an elementary school.  This is not ideal as I know I wouldn't have the artistic freedom I have right now and I would be exhausted and kind of cranky at the end of the day. This is simply what millions of Americans do though. They work at a job they don't necessarily love to pay the bills. With the state of the economy in some areas, many people would die to have the chance at a full time teaching job. Turning my nose up at this kind of opportunity probably sounds rediculous to most of you who read this! 

The truth: I want to trust that the path I am on is where I'm supposed to be. I want to trust that the uncertain feeling is just part of being stuck in between where I was and where I'm going. I want to trust that there is a reason that I was drawn to the flower shop. I want to trust that there was a reason I quit teaching in the first place.  I want to trust in my creativity, my soul, my dreams. I need to. But maybe I can still trust and teach at the same time. 

We all want to trust that the path God has put us on is exactly where we need to be. I believe this is true. But the lingering doubt in the back of my mind is enough to make me question it.  I have to remind myself that this is okay because it is part of the journey. There are things I need to learn and I may need to just sit in this uneasiness for a while. I may submit my application for the teaching job and just see what happens. If I am supposed to work there then I will be hired. If there are other plans for me, then I will just wait and see what that is. 

 I already feel better writing this down here. Thanks so much for listening to me. Oh and I was nervous to show a picture of this little collage I made (above) with watercolors and scraps one morning. But there is something I like about it and thought I would share. Please excuse the shadow that is cast upon it! I did a quick and dirty photo shoot and this is what I ended up with. 

6 comments:

  1. First of all...I really like the collage :)

    Second, I know what you are talking about as far as the job/artistic path goes.

    Before my mom passed away, I lost my job and didn't go back to work for a couple of years so I could help take care of her. At the time, I was a full time (pottery) artist. There were so many days that I spent the whole day and didn't get anything done. I could not make myself go paint..(even when I had a ton of orders)

    Now that I am working, I find that I WANT to get into my art room more...for fun and relaxation. Sometimes being an artist full time takes the joy out of it. Kind of like you feel the pressure to create because that is your job.

    I do however, wish I had more time off to create. Good luck with whatever you decide.

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  2. It is hard to think about art and finance. I agree and understand the debate of whether or not to teach. For me I feel that teaching in a way is taking an out from what it is I really am trying to achieve. Summer is a time for reflection. Today as I was sitting by Isles reading I stopped and accessed my current situation. I have a BFA I work at a bar three nights a week and I spend the rest of my time reading, riding my bike, and writing. I found myself comparing my present situation to that of a teenager with a part time gig at lets say KFC. Yes, I could be moving in to a professional career and prove my parents proud of the degree I have. But the thing is I am happier than I ever have been and I have more time to think and reflect on what is going on around me. We are the new flaneur, and personally I wouldn't have it any other way. Kelly keep creating and yes we all have our little financial obligations. Just remember that the smallest bits of joy are found in the things that you discover while wandering through the streets your own creativity.

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  3. I was Tagged!

    AlbertinesCreations
    http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6886043 just contacted me to let me know that I had been chosen for the "Lovely Blog Award." With so many talented and wonderful blogs out there, this was quite a surprise, and honor for me. Please visit her blog and her awesome etsy shop.

    Along with accepting this award I am charged with choosing my own 15 favorites to honor with the "Lovely Blog Award." With so many great blogs an bright, talente people in the blog world, this is not an easy task. Below are my choices. If you are tagged, you should:

    1. Accept the award.
    2. Post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award and his or her blog/etsy shop link.
    3. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you've newly discovered.

    Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

    Here are my Lovely Blog Award selections:

    http://namaste-elsiee.blogspot.com/

    http://aliceinparislovesartandtea.blogspot.com/

    http://nikonsniper.blogspot.com/

    http://artwhims.blogspot.com/

    http://flight-fancy.blogspot.com/

    http://weblogartists.blogspot.com/

    http://patriciasnow.blogspot.com/

    http://littlegraypixel.blogspot.com/

    http://mygrandpaspen.blogspot.com/

    http://lamaisondeva.blogspot.com/

    http://grandma-barbara.blogspot.com/

    http://iamjustonepersonbykelly.blogspot.com/

    http://emma-bagladee.blogspot.com/

    http://lightandwriting.blogspot.com/

    http://lazydazefarm.blogspot.com/

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  4. have you listened to Creative Thursday's latest podcast about trust? if not, go there now!! its beautiful. Also, i love your little collage - just like I love all of your work.

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  5. Thank you for all of your encouraging words.

    I spoke to my husband today about how I am feeling and he told me not to take a job that I am not excited about just because I am worried about money. There are other ways.

    Steph your words really resonate with me! I don't want to take a job that will take me a step away from my vision. Looking over this past year I have really accomplished a lot! None of it has been a financial success but it has been a success in so many other areas in my life. It has been a year of nurturing, wandering, learning, writing, making, and enjoying this beautiful world.

    And Ashley I did listen to that podcast a long time ago and forgot about it! Thank you for that reminder! I listened to it again today and I really need to trust my intuition on this one. I need to stay true to my vision. I guess I need to define my vision even more. That could be part of my problem. I can't wait for creative thursday's class!! yay!

    Kymali,thank you for the blog award! I have never received one before so I am so flattered!

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  6. Kelly,

    I am so touched by your post as I can envision my daughter having the same struggles soon enough.

    Having never contemplated being an artist of any kind until the last year - instead I created a life/lifestyle which requires me to work full time and make "art" in my spare time- (blessed to love the full time gig too!)

    since you have 20 years to get to your 40's I would say seek your joy every year as it comes, there will be other times or phases in your life where a regular paycheck may give you more pleasure and personal satisfaction than the freedom to create art at your leisure or inspiration.

    And- Hold on tight to that supportive hubby of yours! Follow your dreams while your life circustances and the universe still hold that out as a fully possible option....

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