Hello it's February already? Say what?!

Wow the new year is already flying by. Sammy and I have been having a lot of fun playing outside (the weather this winter is so mild!), painting, and eating ice cream on a daily basis. Yes it's all about fun folks. We work hard and play hard.

This new year 2012 is going to be a great year. I can feel it. I have had these dreams marinating in my heart and I'm going to make it happen. I have started to paint a lot again. It is the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep. In fact, I have started to dream about paintings and colors. It is quite amazing and I feel rejuvenated. I bought a bunch of canvases and I am having fun experimenting with no expectations. My big dream would be for me to produce a series of cohesive paintings and to present them to an art gallery. Maybe by summer I will be ready for something like this. We'll see. I put it out there in the universe and now we'll see what happens. I have felt compelled to start another blog just for my artwork. I will be posting there a lot. I hope you join me on my adventure!

On Motherhood

I know this blog used to be more about art and pretty things, but now that I am a mother I feel it is important for me to share this part of my life too. Before becoming a mom I had these ideals of what kind of mom I would be. I was the type who would say "A baby won't change my schedule or how I do things!" etc..... I always thought a baby would just follow my routine and be just fine! Well I was in for a surprise!

After Samuel was born I found that it wasn't about ME anymore. I would do anything for this precious baby. He still gets up during the night 3 even 4 times but does that bother me, no. He needs me. He needs nourishment and comfort. He gets up at 6 or 7 AM. Does that mean I want to get up at that time? No. But I do because I love to see his smiling face and hear him giggle when he sees mine. I will never stress about whether or not he is sleeping when I want to sleep because he is just following his body's natural rhythm.

I know breast feeding is a controversial subject and to each her own, but I choose to breast feed not because it is the easiest choice (well in some instances it is when you don't have to get up and mix a bottle) but because I know it is specifically made for my baby and is best for him. This means I can only be gone from him for 2 hours tops because that's how often he eats. Once again his needs come before mine. I remember back to the first couple weeks when he would want to eat constantly and I was so overwhelmed and exhausted and at the brink of giving him a bottle. Kyle my husband encouraged me not to give up. Looking back I was just ill informed about breast feeding. I didn't know that little babies ate so often and that one of the reasons he wanted to eat was for comfort and to build up my supply. Babies need to suckle.

This post is not intended to say that you can't have a life or that you shouldn't nurture and take care of yourself as a mother. I am just saying that once you bring a little baby into this world your life will not be exactly the same as it was before. This has been my experience anyway. It will change because the love you feel for this little human is so amazing and you would do anything for them.

Peeling back

I feel like I am on the cusp of something very new. Behind the scenes in my work space I have been creating some very abstract little pieces of artwork that is much different than the stuff that is currently in my shop. I know that over time an artist's work evolves and changes so I am not that surprised. This new way of making is very uninhibited. I do not think so much about what I am doing. I just do. It all started as a way to warm up before diving into something bigger I was working on. I will soon share some of this work with you ;)

Today is supposed to be a hot one. My sunflowers just started to open yesterday. Little by little the green folds give away to the yellow petals that are trying to make their debut. It's funny how we are not so different from these flowers. Sometimes a seed is planted in our brains and behind the scenes we slowly manifest what it is that is about to be created in our lives. Slowly we peel back the layers so we can show to the world what it is that god/universe wants for us to share. Not sharing will limit us. If you don't show the world your gifts you cannot inspire others to live authentically and fully. So if you love to write, share your writing with someone. If you love to paint, make a painting for someone. If you love to cook, fill someone's belly!

That's all I have to say about that for today :)

Peace out

following a path without knowing where it's going

I feel like I have been too guarded in my blog posts lately. It's time to be real again because for me it is therapeutic. And I never want to be something I am not in this space.

So you remember a while back I had started going to a flower shop to gain experience in hopes that they would eventually hire me. I felt like I was catching on really fast and I enjoyed going there so very much! I was learning new things and I would barely notice the time going by. I have become skilled in making wedding boutonnieres, corsages, and even bouquets. In such a way that I feel like if I was to get married again I would do my own flowers. The arrangement I had set up with the owner, was that I would keep coming in and training until she felt I had enough knowledge and skill to put me on the schedule. A few weeks ago she told me that I was getting faster and better at this whole flower thing and that I wasn't far from being put on the schedule.

Last week I had family and friends visiting and so I was unable to go there all week. I returned yesterday only to find they had hired someone new! I was confused and felt betrayed. Here I was coming in to this place I love, devoting lots of time, in hopes that this would become a nice part time job. It turns out this new person has a degree in horticulture and has a year of experience at a floral shop. So, I can understand why she was hired, but I also feel like my chances of being hired are slim to none considering the owner has been downsizing and has told me flat out that she cannot afford to hire me when I first started.

Being an adult I called the owner and discussed how I was feeling. She told me she needed someone who knew all the floral terminology, who could take orders, and make/do things with no direction. She went on to tell me that she appreciates all the help I've given, said I am a joy to have around, and that I have a great artistic eye for floral design but that it would take a couple years for me to be fully knowledgeable. I told her thank you for all the help, that I would be going up North next week with a friend, and that I would be in touch with her when I returned.

I don't want to seem like a "know-it-all" as far as the floral industry goes, but I don't feel like it is rocket science. Do you know what I mean? As a creative person, it comes very naturally and I feel like maybe I should move on and see if a different flower shop would like to give me a chance?

So now I am just at a loss at what to do. Today I woke up with a sore throat so I couldn't go in. My body is telling me to rest. My heart says: go back to your artwork and things will work out in time. So I am sitting here at my desk thinking about the beautiful walk I took down at Dunbar Cave with my mom last week and how I just want to sketch and paint beautiful leaves. I am anxious to go up to northern Wisconsin with one of my friends, to take pictures, be surrounded by lakes, woods, and soak up the summer sun.

I am not too concerned about the whole flower thing. I know everything will work out just the way it is supposed to. It's just sometimes rocks are thrown into our paths and we just need to go around them or kick them out of the way.

Thank you for listening :)

fumbling and reality

I feel like I am fumbling a bit. I am in a state of in betweenness as far as work goes. I desire to make a living as an artist yet it seems so daunting at times. I have days when I go into my art room and nothing turns out. The only thing I leave behind in the art room is a tornado of scraps paint, and sweat. But no substance. I started this whole flower shop gig and as fun and interesting as it is, I don't know if it is really going to amount to earning real money. I hate hate hate to be a worrier in the financial sense but it is reality. And as much as my right brain wants to enjoy living an artful life and ignore the dollar signs, it is not responsible to do so. My left brain is saying "HEY you! Remember me! I am your common sense and I want to help you!" 

There has to be a way to balance this. I am considering teaching again this coming fall to get rid of some school loans and to possibly purchase a new vehicle since mine is showing signs of illness. It would be an 8-4 gig at an elementary school.  This is not ideal as I know I wouldn't have the artistic freedom I have right now and I would be exhausted and kind of cranky at the end of the day. This is simply what millions of Americans do though. They work at a job they don't necessarily love to pay the bills. With the state of the economy in some areas, many people would die to have the chance at a full time teaching job. Turning my nose up at this kind of opportunity probably sounds rediculous to most of you who read this! 

The truth: I want to trust that the path I am on is where I'm supposed to be. I want to trust that the uncertain feeling is just part of being stuck in between where I was and where I'm going. I want to trust that there is a reason that I was drawn to the flower shop. I want to trust that there was a reason I quit teaching in the first place.  I want to trust in my creativity, my soul, my dreams. I need to. But maybe I can still trust and teach at the same time. 

We all want to trust that the path God has put us on is exactly where we need to be. I believe this is true. But the lingering doubt in the back of my mind is enough to make me question it.  I have to remind myself that this is okay because it is part of the journey. There are things I need to learn and I may need to just sit in this uneasiness for a while. I may submit my application for the teaching job and just see what happens. If I am supposed to work there then I will be hired. If there are other plans for me, then I will just wait and see what that is. 

 I already feel better writing this down here. Thanks so much for listening to me. Oh and I was nervous to show a picture of this little collage I made (above) with watercolors and scraps one morning. But there is something I like about it and thought I would share. Please excuse the shadow that is cast upon it! I did a quick and dirty photo shoot and this is what I ended up with. 

I feel light on my feet

Hi friends

Did you all have a good weekend? I really enjoyed mine! I did some bike riding, ate dinner with friends, saw a bluegrass band in downtown Clarksville, and started running again. I have been a runner all through high school through college and up to now. When I started experiencing allergy problems this spring I had to stop running for a while until I could figure out what kind of medicines/inhalers worked best. Now I am happy to say that I am back at it and it feels GOOD! Running gives me a kind of freedom in my spirit that makes me feel like I can do anything. It must be the release of endorphins and sweating out the toxins. 

I also made some new artwork just for myself. I might work on it some more but I wanted to share what I have so far. It's called Where I've Been and Where I'm Going. It is a mixed media piece that shows maps of the places I have lived: Minnesota, North Carolina, and TN. My feet, the tree, and the sky represent where I am going.  Here is a close up of the the quote in the middle of it which says:

"Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them. But I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."

-Louisa May Alcott

Now I'm off to run errands, feed the neighbor's dog, and pick up more canvases to paint paint paint! Hope Monday is a Funday for you!

let your spirit dance

~my feet~

Do you wake up in the morning and feel like the possibilities for the day are endless? This is how I have been feeling every day since quitting my job last year. It is liberating for my spirit. I remember this time last year I was teaching at a middle school. As hard as I tried to "love" my job I couldn't deny the voices and whispers in my heart that kept telling me:

"This isn't you"  "This isn't the right path for you." "You can't force this job on yourself." "You are suffocating"

It is funny how the rational part of yourself tries to squash these voices:

"But sometimes you like this job." "You are making money now!" " It will get easier with time"......

It was like a game of tug of war in my head! It is so hard because society teaches us to go to school, get a degree, get good grades, get a steady paying job, and live happily ever after.  We are told when we grow up that we can be whatever we want to be, but usually this concept is squashed in high school when you are trying to choose a college major and it feels like there are so many limitations in the world. Expectations determine the path we take. We are asked "What do you want to major in?" when we should be asked "What makes your spirit come alive?!" 

Since I have always been the kind of person to follow my heart rather than my head. I finally squashed the rational side of my mind and wrote down my decision on the white board in my office: 

 I WILL NOT GO BACK NEXT YEAR

This was a pivotal moment. My creative side cheered! "YES. This is the first step. Don't doubt yourself." At this point I had to trust that what I was doing was the right thing, but the flood gate of fear came pouring over me. What was I going to do next then? What will people think of me quitting a perfectly good job? How will I make money? Am I crazy? 

I knew that I wanted to live a creative life. I wanted to honor the gifts that God has given me. I wanted to make artwork, to learn, to explore, and to share this path with others. I created space in my life for this dream. It is slowly coming along and I get excited about all my small victories, whether I sell a print in my shop, finish a new painting, or get compliments on my art. 

Luckily I have a very supportive husband. He knew I wasn't happy with my job. I have been so blessed to have found a person who cares about me and my happiness more than an extra paycheck every month. In turn, I will always support what his heart tells him and encourage him to do what he loves as well. 

Please know that I don't think everyone should quit their jobs and be an artist. I know many people who love and enjoy their jobs. I have one friend who is an extraordinary teacher and I can't imagine her doing anything else. What I do believe is we should do what makes our spirit dance. As far as I know we only get to live once. We need to make brave decisions and live passionately. 

Let Go

*Picture taken last summer in my mother-in-law's garden

Sometimes I think we expect too much from ourselves.

Let whatever you do today be enough. 

Let it be ok if you didn't get to every thing on your to do list. 

Let it be okay if you decided to finish that really good book you haven't had time for.

Let it be okay if you let the laundry sit in the basket until you wore every wrinkly thing in it and still haven't started a new load.

I think the Beatles were on to something when they wrote "Let it Be"

Seriously. Give yourself a break. 

Visit this video  by swirlygirl to be even more inspired.

Don't Burn The Day

*Picture taken by me in central park 2007

Do you ever feel like you wish your days away just to make it to the weekend or to some special event in the future? You get so caught up in/bored with the daily grind that you don't take the time to enjoy the present moment, to enjoy the people you are with, to enjoy the beauty in your life. I am usually pretty good about enjoying each day and appreciating everything down to the smallest things, but being only human I can easily forget.

It's like the smallest grain of negativity can infest your mind and make you forget what it is that you should be thankful for! Negative people are the worst, they activate their negativity button and it spreads like a virus to the next victim. It's like they are living in their own negative world in their head, they are trapped and can't get out of it. You know the type. The kind that wants to bring you down when you are having a great day. Don't let them do it. Be strong, kill their negativity with kindness. Don't get sucked into the world of doom and complaining. 

I'm not saying its not ok to have a bad day. I know life can be tough. I know sometimes you just break and you need someone to talk to, so that they can cheer you up. I'm talking about total unnecessary negativity...like the sun is shining, it's 70 degrees and someone says "I hate how bright the sun is today!" Or someone who is constantly blaming others for their lack of luck and happiness in the world. We all hold the key to our own happiness and for me, it is a choice. I can either take what I got and make the best of it or I can be miserable and caught up in the idea that the world has dealt me a bad hand of cards. 

I have so much to be thankful for in my life and sometimes I really do wonder if I am in a dream. I have the best husband in the world, caring and wonderful friends, a nice humble home, super cats, the ability to run, my artwork, a car that runs, and good health. Seriously. I have it good!

Our lives are so short on this sphere in space called Earth. I always realize this right when I wake up and that small sliver of sunshine is streaming in through my window, and I think "wow I am here and alive to enjoy this sunshine." Life really amazes me. I just want to take it all in, spread a little kindness, and enjoy it while I'm here.

"There's much more than we see here. Don't burn the day away."  -Dave Mathews

(I will post some pictures later today :)